Bayaan 03 of 20 · 14 min read
Qaidkhana
Before you read. This chapter speaks of coercion and violence in a relationship, blood, and a suicide that is described directly. If it becomes heavy, the helpline numbers are at the end of the page.
Ghazal
Meri qismat mein bas itna fasaana likha hai,
Jise paana nahi — uss pe sab kuch lutaana likha hai.
Safar mein dhoop hai aisi ki saaye jal gaye hain,
Aur abhi toh poora ek zamaana likha hai.
Mere honton pe muskaan bhi ek sazaa jaisi hai,
Jis ke peechhe har ashq chhupaana likha hai.
Woh sunte hain, magar un par asar hota nahi,
Hawaaon ko kahaani ka sunaana likha hai.
Diye ki lau pe rakha hai bharosa hum ne,
Aur qismat mein toofan ka aana likha hai.
Yeh ishq woh jurm hai jiski maafi nahi milti,
Sazaa mein umr bhar ka qaidkhana likha hai.
Seedha Matlab
Meri qismat mein bas itna fasaana likha hai
Jise paana nahi uspe sab kuch lutaana likha hai.
Yeh sher zindagi ke ek ajeeb pattern ki baat karta hai.
Jo milta nahi, usi ke peeche sab kuch jaata hai.
Socho ek baar, Jo cheez aasaani se mil jaaye, uss mein mazaa nahi lagta zyaada. Jo cheez mushkil se mile, ya mile hi nahi, woh obsession ban jaati hai.
Kyun aisa hota hai?
Hamara dimaag iss tarah kaam karta hai, ke jo cheez hum nahi pa sakte, usse woh zyada interesting maan leta hai. Jaise koi puzzle hai, jo solve nahi ho raha, aur tum uss par zyada waqt lagate ho.
Yahi mohabbat mein bhi hota hai.
Jo insaan easily available ho, jo hamesha wahan ho, uski qadr nahi lagti.
Jo insaan kabhi kabhi ho, kabhi na ho, jo aaj qareeb aaye, kal door ho jaaye, woh zyada kheechta hai.
Aur iss khinchaav mein, hum sab kuch luta dete hain.
Yeh zindagi ka ek bahut bura design hai. Lekin yeh sach hai.
Aur iss sach ko jaanke, iss trap se bachna thoda aasaan ho jaata hai.
Safar mein dhoop hai aisi ki saaye jal gaye hain
Aur abhi toh poora ek zamaana likha hai.
Saaya, woh jo hamesha saath hota hai. Jo kabhi nahi chodta. Jo tumhara sabse kareeb companion hota hai, roshni mein.
Aur shayar keh raha hai, saaya bhi jal gaya.
Yeh ek bahut powerful baat hai.
Matlab, is takleef ne woh bhi le liya, jo guaranteed tha. Jo hamesha tha. Apna aap. Apni pehchaan. Woh hissa jo tum hamesha se the.
Aur abhi, poora ek zamaana aur baaki hai.
Yeh line padhke saans ruk jaati hai.
Itna kho diya, aur abhi zindagi itni baaki hai. Aage kaise chalna hai?
Mere honton pe muskaan bhi ek saza jaisi hai
Jiske peeche har ek ashq chhupana likha hai.
Yeh sher, bahut log apni zindagi mein roz jeete hain. Lekin koi nahi kehta.
Muskaan, duniya ke liye sabse simple cheez.
Lekin kuch logon ke liye, woh muskaan kaam hai.
Andar toot rahe ho, baahir muskuraate raho. Kyunki agar nahi muskurao ge, log poochhenge. Aur log poochhenge, toh batana padega. Aur batana, woh aur mushkil lagta hai.
Toh muskura lo. Chup raho. Andar sab kuch dabao.
Yeh emotional kaam hai, roz ka kaam.
Aur yeh kaam zyada karte hain, woh log jo dil se zyada mehsoos karte hain. Jo chahte hain sab theek rahe.
Jo hamesha muskurate dikh te hain, unka haal kabhi kabhi seriously poochho.
Sirf ek baar. Genuinely. Bina jaldi ke.
Shayad woh sirf ek baar ki zaroorat mein hoon, ke koi seedha poochhe: “Sach mein kaisa hai?”
Woh sunte hain magar unpar asar hota nahi
Hawaaon ko kahaani ka sunana likha hai.
Asar, matlab kuch andar jaana. Koi farq padna. Kuch hil jaana.
Woh sunta hai, aankhein tumhari taraf. Sar hilata hai.
Lekin kuch andar nahi jaata. Koi asar nahi hota.
Aur yeh, gusse se badi takleef hai.
Agar koi gusse mein jawaab de, matlab kuch feel kiya. Agar ro pade, matlab kuch andar gaya. Lekin jab bilkul normal rahe, jaise tumne kuch kaha hi nahi, tab tumhara hona hi negate ho jaata hai.
Tum lagta hai, ho hi nahi.
Hawa ko kahani sunana, hawa sunti hai. Guzar jaati hai. Koi yaad nahi rakhti. Koi reaction nahi.
Woh insaan hawa tha tumhare liye, aur tum ne apni poori kahani use suna di.
Woh insaan kaun hota hai, jo sune aur asar bhi ho?
Woh hota hai, jo genuinely tumse laga ho. Jo tumhara dard apna feel kare. Jo tumhare khush hone mein khush ho aur tumhare dukhi hone mein dukhi.
Asar ka hona, woh connection ka sabse sachcha proof hai.
Diye ki lau pe rakha hai bharosa humne
Jabki qismat mein toofan ka aana likha hai.
Diya, chhoti si roshni. Toofan mein nahi tikta.
Phir bhi, diye par bharosa rakha.
Kyun?
Kyunki toofan mein woh ek maatra roshni thi jo dikh rahi thi.
Aur andheron mein, koi bhi roshni, hope lagti hai.
Yahan ek farq samajhna zaroori hai, Umeed, woh jo tumhe aage le jaaye. Jo kal behtar hoga, iss belief ke saath aaj ka kaam karo.
Sirf baithe rehna, woh jo tumhe wahin rok de. Usi toofan mein. Usi diye ko dekhte hue. Jab bahar nikalna possible tha.
Khud se ek sawaal poochho,
“Kya main iss rishte mein, ya iss jagah mein, isliye hoon ke yahan behtar hoga? Ya isliye hoon ke jaana mushkil lagta hai?”
Agar doosra jawab ho, toh tum sirf reh rahe ho. Badh nahi rahe.
Aur sirf rehna, woh zindagi nahi. Woh, intezaar hai. Toofan ke guzarne ka. Jo shayad aye, shayad na aye.
Yeh ishq woh jurm hai jiski maafi nahi milti
Saza mein umr bhar ka qaidkhana likha hai.
Mohabbat ko shayar ne jurm kaha.
Aur yeh sunke, seedha bura lagta hai. Mohabbat jurm kaise?
Lekin poori baat suno.
Mohabbat kisi ne force nahi ki. Tumne khud ki. Tumhari choice thi. Isliye, technically, tum zimmedaar ho jo kuch hua uske liye.
Woh jurm tumhara tha.
Aur saza, umr bhar ka qaidkhana.
Woh rishta khatam ho gaya. Woh insaan chala gaya. Duniya aage badh gayi.
Lekin tum, tum abhi bhi andar uss ke saath ho.
Subah uthte ho, woh yaad aata hai.
Koi jagah dekhte ho, woh yaad aata hai.
Koi gaana bajta hai, ruk jaate ho.
Yeh qaid kisi ne nahi di, tum ne khud banaayi.
Aur yeh qaid tabhi tootti hai, jab tum ek cheez keh sako:
“Main ne choose kiya. Main ne diya. Main ne kiya. Ab main choose karta hoon, aage jaana.”
Poori zimmedari lena, dard deta hai. Lekin iss dard mein, azaadi hai.
Afsana
Khamoshi ki sabse bhayanak baat yeh hoti hai ki woh aapse aapke sabse gehre gunahon ke baare mein baat karti hai.
Dharavi ki is tinn (tin) ki chhat par baarish aisi gir rahi thi jaise khuda is shehar ke saare gunah dhona chahta ho. Kamre mein ek zero-watt ka peela bulb jal raha tha.
Afaaq zameen par baitha tha. Uske haath mein khoon se sani (blood-stained) ek 500 ki gaddi thi. Usne woh khoon apni pant par poncha, aur saamne palang par baithi Ruhi ki taraf dekh kar muskuraya.
Ruhi bilkul shant thi. Usne ek laal rang ka joda pehna tha. Uski aankhein jhuki hui thi, aur uske hoth bilkul safaid the. Woh itni khubsoorat lag rahi thi ki Afaaq ki saansein atak rahi thi.
“Maine kaha tha na Ruhi,” Afaaq ne aage badh kar uske ghutne par haath rakha. “Duniya kehti hai gareebi ishq ko kha jati hai. Dekho, main aaj 5 lakh rupaye laya hoon. Ab tumhe us clinic mein dusron ki jhidkiyan (scoldings) sunne ki zaroorat nahi. Ab hum is narak (hell) se door jayenge. Ek chota sa ghar lenge... jahan sirf tum hogi, aur main hounga.”
Ruhi ne koi jawab nahi diya. Woh bas khamosh, uski taraf dekhti rahi.
Afaaq ne ek sone (gold) ka haar nikala aur Ruhi ke gale mein pehnane ke liye aage badha.
“Tumhe pata hai Ruhi, ek mard jab apni mohabbat ke liye shaitaan ban jata hai, toh use aasmaan ka khuda bhi maaf kar deta hai. Main galat nahi hoon... main bas tumhare ishq mein majboor hoon.”
Afaaq aur Ruhi ka ishq kabhi dono taraf ka nahi tha. Yeh Afaaq ki zidd thi. Afaaq ek mechanic tha, jiske kandhon par teen behenon ki zimmedari thi. Par jab usne pehli baar Ruhi ko BMC ke paani ki line mein dekha tha, toh uski bhookh, uski gareebi, sab kuch ek pal ke liye mit gayi thi.
Par Ruhi ek aisi ladki thi jise ishq se zyada roti ki zaroorat thi. Uska baap T.B. ka mareez tha. Ruhi padhi-likhi thi, aur ek bade clinic mein receptionist ki naukri karti thi. Woh practical thi. Jab Afaaq ne uske aage ishq ka izhaar kiya tha, toh Ruhi ne haath jod kar kaha tha: “Afaaq, mere paas khwaab dekhne ki aukaat nahi hai. Tumhare paas apne parivaar ka bojh hai, mere paas mera. Hum gareeb hain. Hamari kahaniyon mein Shahjahan aur Mumtaz nahi hote, sirf bhookh aur udhaar hota hai.”
Par Afaaq ke andar ka mard is inkaar ko bardaasht nahi kar paya. Kisi mashhoor shayar ne kaha tha na, ‘Haasil-e-ishq faqat dard hai.’ Par Afaaq ke liye ishq paane ka naam tha, chahe uski qeemat koi bhi ho.
Afaaq ne Ruhi ke baap ke ilaaj ke liye apni behen ke dahej ke paise de diye. Usne ahsaan ka ek aisa jaal phenka jisme Ruhi phans gayi. Majboori mein, Ruhi ko Afaaq se Nikaah karna pada. Duniya ko laga ek aashiq ko uski manzil mil gayi. Par unhe nahi pata tha, jab mohabbat zabardasti ki ho, toh ghar aashiyana nahi, jahanum ban jata hai.
Shadi ke baad haqeeqat ne apna nanga naach shuru kiya. Afaaq mahine ka 10 hazar kamata tha. Ruhi clinic se 18 hazar kamati thi. Ek gareeb mard ke liye sabse bada zehar uski biwi ki us-se zyada kamaai hoti hai.
“Aurat ki kamyabi mard ki anaa (ego) ke seene mein khanjar ban kar utarti hai.”
“Badi gaadiyon ki aadat pad gayi hai tujhe?!” Afaaq janwaro ki tarah cheekha. Ruhi royi nahi. Uski aankhon mein sirf ek thakan thi. “Woh mere boss hain Afaaq! Baarish tez thi isliye chhod diya. Tum mujh par shaq kyun kar rahe ho? Maine is rishte ko poori wafa di hai!”
Afaaq ne uske maathe par revolver rakh di (jo use ek local don se pehli baar gaadi churaane par mili thi). Usne Ruhi ki aankhon mein dekha.
Us raat ke baad, Afaaq ne Ruhi ka clinic jana band karwa diya. Ruhi ko us 8x10 ki kholi mein qaid kar diya gaya. Gareebi ghar mein naach rahi thi. Par Afaaq ke andar ka shaitaan khush tha. Kyun? Kyunki ab Ruhi kisi aur ko nahi dekh sakti thi.
Usne Ruhi se kaha tha, “Main tujhe jannat dunga Ruhi. Bas tu is kamre se bahar mat nikalna.” Aur tab Ruhi ne ek zinda laash ki tarah deewar ki taraf dekhte hue kaha tha:
“Tumne duniya ke liye is ghar ko saja rakha hai Afaaq... Ek jahanum ko jannat sa bana rakha hai. Tum kehte ho ke main azaad hoon, par tumne is pinjre ko hi mera aashiyan bana rakha hai.”
Afaaq ab pagal ho chuka tha. Use Ruhi ke liye paise chahiye the. Clinic ki naukri chhutne ke baad ghar mein faaqe (starvation) hone lage the. Afaaq ne crime ka rasta chuna. Pehle gaadiyan churaayi, phir drugs deliver kiye, aur aakhir mein ek contract killing (supari).
Woh bhool chuka tha ki woh yeh sab Ruhi ke liye kar raha tha ya apne us guroor ke liye jo yeh sabit karna chahta tha ki ‘Ek mard aurat ko khareed kar khush rakh sakta hai’.
Ek aashiq aur psychopathic qatil mein sirf ek dhage ka farq hota hai. Afaaq woh dhaga tod chuka tha. Usne ussi doctor ka qatal kiya jisne Ruhi ko baarish mein chhoda tha. Use laga usne apni mohabbat ki hifazat ki hai.
Us din Afaaq khoon se sane haathon ke sath ghar aaya tha, apne sath 5 lakh rupaye aur ek sone ki chain lekar.
Afaaq abhi bhi Ruhi ke saamne baitha tha. Bulb flicker kar raha tha. Baarish ki awaaz tez ho chuki thi.
“Ruhi... tumne yeh laal joda pehna hai. Tum bilkul waisi lag rahi ho jaise shadi ki pehli raat lag rahi thi,” Afaaq ne muskurate hue sone ki chain uske gale mein dalni chahi.
Lekin jaise hi usne chain dalne ke liye Ruhi ki gardan se dupatta hataya...
Afaaq ke haath kaanp gaye. Chain zameen par gir gayi. Ruhi ki gardan par ek bohut gehra, jam chuka, kala nishaan tha.
Hawa ka ek jhonka aaya aur khidki khul gayi. Kamre mein ek ajeeb si sarandh (smell of rotting flesh) phail gayi, jise Afaaq pichle teen din se gulab ke itar (perfume) se chupane ki koshish kar raha tha.
Ruhi zinda nahi thi.
Woh pichle teen din se murda thi. Jis din Afaaq doctor ka qatal karne gaya tha, us din us jahanum, us bhookh, aur us toxic azaab se thak kar, Ruhi ne pankhe se latak kar khudkushi kar li thi.
Jab Afaaq ghar lauta, toh usne apni ‘Jannat’ ko pankhe par latakte dekha. Par uske dimaag ne is reality ko accept karne se inkaar kar diya. Uska trauma ek psychotic delusion mein badal gaya. Usne Ruhi ko neeche utara, use nahlaya, use laal joda pehnaya, aur palang par bitha diya.
Pichle teen din se woh ek sadi hui laash (rotting corpse) ke sath baatein kar raha tha. Use khaana khila raha tha, uske baal bana raha tha.
Afaaq cheekha nahi. Uska dimaag ab mukammal (completely) toot chuka tha. Usne zameen se chain uthayi aur us murda, galti hui gardan par pehna di.
Usne Ruhi ke safaid, pathraaye hue (stiff) chehre ko apne haathon mein liya. Ek makkhi (fly) Ruhi ki khuli hui, safaid ankh par aakar baithi, par Afaaq muskurata raha.
Afaaq ne laash ka thanda haath apne hothon se lagaya. Uski anaa, uska guroor aaj khush tha.
“Jab woh zinda thi... toh uski aankhein khidki ke bahar dekhti thi. Uska dimaag azaadi chahta tha. Mujhe darr tha ki woh kisi ghair ko dekh legi. Par ab dekho... ab woh kahin nahi jaati. Ab woh kisi ko nahi dekhti. Ab woh mujhse behas nahi karti. Ek mard ko aur kya chahiye? Main jaanta tha mera ishq jeet jayega. Main janta tha woh sirf meri ban kar rahegi.”
Afaaq pagalpan ki aakhri sarhad par khada tha. Usne aurat ki rooh ka nahi, uske murda jism ka ishq chuna tha. Kyunki zinda aurat ke paas choices hoti hain, par laash kabhi baghawat nahi karti.
Police jab teen din baad padosiyon ki complaint par (badboo ki wajah se) darwaza tod kar andar aayi, toh unhone dekha: Ruhi ki laash palang par leti thi, sone ke zevaron (jewelery) se ladi hui. Aur Afaaq uske pairo ke paas zameen par baitha, use ghazal suna raha tha.
Duniya ne isey ek pagalpan ki kahani kaha. Kisi ne kaha gareebi ne dimaag kha liya, kisi ne kaha mohabbat ka azaab tha.
Lekin haqeeqat kuch aur thi.